Perhaps one of the most perplexing things about our generation is the internet explosion. What once happened in the privacy of the home, the local market, a pub or restaurant is now happening on Facebook, twitter and youtube. People are learning to connect with each other an entirely different level. I am not sure we have really thought out the dangers associated with where we are headed. Electronic connections can be a very artificial and short-lived answer to the deep desire in the human soul for true and meaningful connection.
For instance, I counseled someone who I was also friends with on Facebook. That person had over 500 'friends' in their network. I know that person and they do not have 4-5 meaningful friends that they have true and genuine connection with. I had watched their lives very closely and we became very close - they were lonely and although they knew a lot of people the ability to connect with people was something they struggled with. So, they substituted for artificial friendships and connections instead. It didn't work. They struggled with severe depression and anxiety and needed medication for it. They were anxious over anything that went on about their facebook wall and they lived in fear that many of their 'friends' would not be there for them if they knew certain things. What a pity! The truth is none of these 'friends' were really meeting that deep desire for true and meaningful connection. This person suffered from severe isolation and hopelessness they would ever connect.
Another example is dating and match sites. There are plenty of examples of people who have walked out of their subscriptions with the match of a lifetime, and they are the stories every company wants to point to for success. But the truth of the matter is there are dark and deep disappointment for a majority of the users. The bait and switch games are legendary in the industry, and the various ploys utilized to keep people signing on for another month or an extension of their membership. All of this would not be necessary if most people were finding the love of their lives - they would have done it and be out of the market. Instead, there are several issues going on. There is the complete transformation of a way a man and woman are meeting. Much of the leading the man has traditionally done in a courting relationship has been seriously altered. As an experiment we set up profiles on over 7 of the top matching and dating sites. It was fascinating to learn how one company suggests the sending of 'electronic flowers' to another for a price, or sending a smile or a wink with the click of a mouse. How differently we are altering human connections.
After our experiment I so treasured and appreciated the simple beauty of seeing an attractive woman at the grocery store, smiling nicely at her, engaging in a conversation and not wondering which one of her profile pictures looked more like the real her. I realized that men are not able to lead effectively on these sites and my research showed that 80% of men that try these sites leave within 90days. I completely understand why. It is not a way we are wired at all to find a mate. It is not the way we are wired at all to court a mate - sending her questions and waiting for her questions to return, then sending her must-haves and can't stands or on another site reading about her thoughts on sex, chemistry and her favorite times for making love. This is not the way it used to be and I dare say that we are turning upside down the entire model for connecting. Meeting and connecting with people after meeting them online, research shows, is awkward and often not what was expected. And yet, it is a billion dollar industry.
But what are we to do? I am afraid our new way of connecting online has robbed us of the ability to truly and genuinely connect. We have traded real connections for electronic connections which are not satisfying the true longings of our souls. We need the three essentials for genuine connection and how will we ever get that online?? Vulnerability, Confidence and Trust with a person we limited perception of - the body language, voice influction, eye contact, physical touch, smell, all are not there. This is HUGE! The most reliable aspects of our perception are not available to us - no wonder we feel so empty and unfulfilled. How do we overcome this? Ah.....coming next......
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Organic Connections
It is amazing how humans yearn for connection. The proliferation of social media, match or dating sites, and blogging testify to the desire deep within the human spirit for real and meaningful connection. And yet for many.....the desire goes unfulfilled.
Most curious to me is that so many in the Visible Church today are just as unfulfilled. It is something that testifies against our understanding of the commands to true Christian unity and fellowship. Why is it the Church has gone silent in this area? I remember my childhood where the ability to connect in a church was much different. We all lived in a small town and those families that were in the church kept up with each other. There was genuine connection where everyone's lives touched another and helped meet their needs. We did our communal 3rd Sunday of the month potluck, but that was not the real meat of the fellowship. When someone was sick, someone in the church knew about it and let the others know to pray for them. Where there was a job loss, others in the church took it upon themselves to add it to the prayer team and make sure that the families needs were met through meals in the home and financial assistance. These sorts of simple things have all but disappeared from most of our churches. Today, someone has to make a post themselves on their twitter or facebook account to let others know what is going on. The usual response, lets say, on Facebook is that a small percentage of their 'friends' comment on the post and then it is left to the wayside. True and meaningful connection has not happened, and that person with 564 'friends' on Facebook can feel very lonely and depressed indeed.
We need to rethink the way our churches operate. People who do not have a sense of connection are going to more than likely leave the church but worse yet, they will often not succeed in the Christian walk. They will not have roots, they will have no one around them to stand with them in their hour of temptation, and they will not feel they have anyone to be vulnerable with or accountable with. As pastors and leaders we must stop the pulpit nonsense. I am not for abandoning Sunday morning teaching (or Saturday of that's your thing) because we need teachers and we need large group gatherings. But while we do not let go of that, we need to eagerly find ways to allow people in our congregations to connect with each other. It needs to be organic, it needs to have life and sustainability. It needs to be safe. Sure, your probably thinking, as you roll your eyes.....like *that* could be possible. But I assure you that it IS possible! I am not saying it is without risk - but if you do not deal with the problem you are taking the greatest risk of all!
Small groups and raising up multiple layers of leaders in the church is one of the safest and most sound ways to accomplish this. People are going to find ways to connect and it is in our churches and spiritual communities where this should be happening most and first! Of all the places people should ever find a fulfilling sense of connection it should be in the Church of Christ. For there they can connect with their Creator and with their brothers and sisters in Christ.
Most curious to me is that so many in the Visible Church today are just as unfulfilled. It is something that testifies against our understanding of the commands to true Christian unity and fellowship. Why is it the Church has gone silent in this area? I remember my childhood where the ability to connect in a church was much different. We all lived in a small town and those families that were in the church kept up with each other. There was genuine connection where everyone's lives touched another and helped meet their needs. We did our communal 3rd Sunday of the month potluck, but that was not the real meat of the fellowship. When someone was sick, someone in the church knew about it and let the others know to pray for them. Where there was a job loss, others in the church took it upon themselves to add it to the prayer team and make sure that the families needs were met through meals in the home and financial assistance. These sorts of simple things have all but disappeared from most of our churches. Today, someone has to make a post themselves on their twitter or facebook account to let others know what is going on. The usual response, lets say, on Facebook is that a small percentage of their 'friends' comment on the post and then it is left to the wayside. True and meaningful connection has not happened, and that person with 564 'friends' on Facebook can feel very lonely and depressed indeed.
We need to rethink the way our churches operate. People who do not have a sense of connection are going to more than likely leave the church but worse yet, they will often not succeed in the Christian walk. They will not have roots, they will have no one around them to stand with them in their hour of temptation, and they will not feel they have anyone to be vulnerable with or accountable with. As pastors and leaders we must stop the pulpit nonsense. I am not for abandoning Sunday morning teaching (or Saturday of that's your thing) because we need teachers and we need large group gatherings. But while we do not let go of that, we need to eagerly find ways to allow people in our congregations to connect with each other. It needs to be organic, it needs to have life and sustainability. It needs to be safe. Sure, your probably thinking, as you roll your eyes.....like *that* could be possible. But I assure you that it IS possible! I am not saying it is without risk - but if you do not deal with the problem you are taking the greatest risk of all!
Small groups and raising up multiple layers of leaders in the church is one of the safest and most sound ways to accomplish this. People are going to find ways to connect and it is in our churches and spiritual communities where this should be happening most and first! Of all the places people should ever find a fulfilling sense of connection it should be in the Church of Christ. For there they can connect with their Creator and with their brothers and sisters in Christ.
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